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Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice