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I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.