Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
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son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda