*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
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kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I’ve upped my game so now instead of buying women at the bar drinks I buy them a pony
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
MOM: gnight 🙂 sleep tight 🙂 don’t let the bed bugs bite 🙂
BED BUG: *tries to bite me*
ME: sorry bedbug my mom said no
BED BUG: julia said that? wow i thought she was cool
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here