Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

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*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*


kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again


Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*


Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers


I’ve upped my game so now instead of buying women at the bar drinks I buy them a pony


Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….


MOM: gnight 🙂 sleep tight 🙂 don’t let the bed bugs bite 🙂


BED BUG: *tries to bite me*

ME: sorry bedbug my mom said no

BED BUG: julia said that? wow i thought she was cool


[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here