Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
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I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
The average family income has gone up 2% while the cost of living has increased 23%.
– Me explaining to my son why he can’t have a sister.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
[me on phone with mechanic]
Car won’t start. I think it’s the battery. Or power steering. Could be a fuse. Wheels, probably wheels. Engine.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*