2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
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Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”