@SortaBad

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

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@BadassBarbie11

Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.

@CakeThrottle

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.

@JustMeTurtle

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

@TheMichaelRock

The average family income has gone up 2% while the cost of living has increased 23%.

– Me explaining to my son why he can’t have a sister.

@KyleMcDowell86

“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”

@amyisforawesome

If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.

@Ivsy01

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

@pinupteacher

[me on phone with mechanic]

Car won’t start. I think it’s the battery. Or power steering. Could be a fuse. Wheels, probably wheels. Engine.

@junejuly12

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*