2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
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I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.