7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
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Having friends sounds like a fun idea until they start trying to make plans with you.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy