@behindyourback

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

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@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

@jnapsalot

Having friends sounds like a fun idea until they start trying to make plans with you.

@SortaBad

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

@EdgarAllanLo

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

@ThisOneSayz

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

@MrSandeepP

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

@IvoryGazelle

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

@LittleVodkaOwl

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

@Heldinchains

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy