@behindyourback

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

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@KylePlantEmoji

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

@WilliamAder

Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

@VisionBored1

[on the phone with my mom]

Me: I think we should get a dog. I really think it would be good to have someone to shower with love and affection right now

Husband: I AM SITTING RIGHT HERE

@ConanOBrien

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

@Marl_TheBean

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

@anoticingsenpai

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

@lawbsterfest

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

@Jenny4ashley

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.