Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

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7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.


Having friends sounds like a fun idea until they start trying to make plans with you.


You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby


[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?


Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.


Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.


healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok


Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.


The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy