Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

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You have -4 min to cook. Your ingredients are:
An apple w/ 1 bite out of it
Chicken you didn’t thaw
7 Legos
– Chopped: Moms Edition


Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.


*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter


*pulls pants up


*forgets to poop


flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator


I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.


Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.


*dog barks at absolutely everything, every time*


*dog barks at burglar, one time*

Me: It’s like he just knew there was danger