@ariscott

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

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@ashleyaustrew

You have -4 min to cook. Your ingredients are:
Goldfish
An apple w/ 1 bite out of it
Chicken you didn’t thaw
7 Legos
– Chopped: Moms Edition

@Mom_Overboard

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

@dafloydsta

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

@bobvulfov

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

@KevinBuffalo

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

@AmishPornStar1

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

@WritePlay

*dog barks at absolutely everything, every time*

Me: SHUT UP

*dog barks at burglar, one time*

Me: It’s like he just knew there was danger