Two ads? IN A ROW? On this website that gives me access to all the music ever made? I won’t stand for it

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me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda


God: make alcohol really fun

Angel: haha ok

God: but it makes them stupid

Angel: i dont know if-

God: and if they have too much they die


[my first day working on The Avengers set]
*leans over to Joss Whedon*
I hear this Josh Sweden guy is a real dork


Never trust someone who says you’re more important than cheese. It’s an obvious lie.


The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”


7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?


My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.


I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.


Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”