Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
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It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.