@NicestHippo

Two ads? IN A ROW? On this website that gives me access to all the music ever made? I won’t stand for it

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@WheelTod

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

@obijawn

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

@GashleyMadison

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

@ExcuseMyTweets

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

@mompsychologist

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

@DaHess1

The Les Miserables sequel is so much better. Hugh Jackman has knives in his hands and fights a bunch of ninjas and shit. No singing at all!!

@jonnysun

COP 1: whys there a dead scuba diver in the forest??
COP 2: easy…he was in the water they drop on forest fires
WEIRD SERIAL KILLER: no no NO

@AmericanGent69

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

@Shen_the_Bird

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

@GimmeDemTxTacos

Thats right, I spelled potatoe with an e. If they can have eyes, what’s stopping them from having toes?