me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Two ads? IN A ROW? On this website that gives me access to all the music ever made? I won’t stand for it
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God: make alcohol really fun
Angel: haha ok
God: but it makes them stupid
Angel: i dont know if-
God: and if they have too much they die
[my first day working on The Avengers set]
*leans over to Joss Whedon*
I hear this Josh Sweden guy is a real dork
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Never trust someone who says you’re more important than cheese. It’s an obvious lie.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”