Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@clichedout

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

@RoosterMustache

God: make alcohol really fun

Angel: haha ok

God: but it makes them stupid

Angel: i dont know if-

God: and if they have too much they die

@NicestHippo

[my first day working on The Avengers set]
*leans over to Joss Whedon*
I hear this Josh Sweden guy is a real dork

@RandiLawson

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

@itshotterhere

Never trust someone who says you’re more important than cheese. It’s an obvious lie.

@Ristolable

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”

@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

@causticbob

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

@Darlainky

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

@FrenulumBreve

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”