*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
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Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
How animals would run if they were human
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.