Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

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Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…


“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”


I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/


You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.


Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I’m really fun to talk to.


That moment of sheer panic when you’re wrist deep in the Pringles can, and you begin rehearsing your story for the ER attendant.


if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”


WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you