Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

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[takes a sip at wine tasting]

Ah yes, this is nice. You can really taste the wet dog and Code Red Mountain Dew.


I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match


[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa


Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right


[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah


Subway is great if you want to eat 12 meatballs in bread and pretend it’s healthy.


Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*


The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.


Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.