@causticbob

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

You Might Also Like

@TheBoydP

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

@carltonhimself

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

@Jeffwni

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

@MunkMania

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

@Phook75

Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I’m really fun to talk to.

@tsm560

That moment of sheer panic when you’re wrist deep in the Pringles can, and you begin rehearsing your story for the ER attendant.

@DVSblast

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

@ericsshadow

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you