Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
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Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
tinder is all about the long game
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.