[takes a sip at wine tasting]
Ah yes, this is nice. You can really taste the wet dog and Code Red Mountain Dew.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
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I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Subway is great if you want to eat 12 meatballs in bread and pretend it’s healthy.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.