[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
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“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.