Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
[two bros pacing back and forth and flexing to prove they arent gay after accidentally reaching for the xbox controller at the same time]
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I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Been rubbing this thing on my carpet for 2 hours and still nothing. How the hell do you recharge a smart car?
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*