@RatCasket

[two bros pacing back and forth and flexing to prove they arent gay after accidentally reaching for the xbox controller at the same time]

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@momjeansplease

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

@ilovepie84

I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure

@salmarch79

Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.

@TitansHomer

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

@AristotlesNZ

Been rubbing this thing on my carpet for 2 hours and still nothing. How the hell do you recharge a smart car?

@stephenjmolloy

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

@IvoryGazelle

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

@ehchinoo

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

@KalvinMacleod

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*