“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
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[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
#parenting
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
You’ll be OK
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
going to the ER y’all need anything
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.