Two cannibals are eating Dane Cook. One says to the other, “does this taste funny”, the other replies “No”.

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I think the Wu Tang clan is a Chinese organized crime family trying to wrestle control of the orange drink market from the “Sunni D” family


Glad they redesigned Gmail—I’ve been dying to compose an email farther to the right.


*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?


*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*


2 things I hate;
2)and people who don’t finish anyth


Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no


Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats


[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?


Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.


I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.