@HousewifeOfHell

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

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@Fingers_of_Fury

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

@YuckyTom

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

@causticbob

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

@Cheeseboy22

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

@JustMeTurtle

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

@NEthingButWork

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

@HeidiCF8

I licked 8 lollipops and sealed them in ziplocs during my stomach flu if anyone needs to lose 5lbs by the weekend.