Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
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I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Check your privilege
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.