Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
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“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together