[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
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“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Why is no one talking about this?!
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”