@NamestartswithZ

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

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@2014longview

Cop pulled me over said “papers”
I replied with “scissors, I win” and drove off.
Now I’m doing hard time on the rock.

@squirrel74wkgn

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

@rolldiggity

Why crush your kid’s imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy “doesn’t exist” when you can just have her leave a suicide note?

@wickedimproper

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

@EJGomez

son ur mom told me u & ur gf broke up today?
*puts hand on sons shoulder*
if u had bought a pet falcon like i told u she woulda never left u

@4SLars

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

@canadian_jane

I respect strippers because its really hard to dance by yourself and not look stupid.

@Bipartisanism

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

@MollySneed

“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

@leannuh

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.