Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
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[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help