This killed me
Two guys in CA walked off cliff playing Pokémon.
Natural selection accelerated at 9.8 m/sec².
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A roofie? .. but how does a roof take a picture of itself? I’m so confused.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.