@Shot_Of_Cabo

Two guys in CA walked off cliff playing Pokémon.

Natural selection accelerated at 9.8 m/sec².

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@titusbb

A roofie? .. but how does a roof take a picture of itself? I’m so confused.

@EliTerry

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

@UnFitz

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

@Cheeseboy22

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

@P1ssed_K1d

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

@theshantilly

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.