Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
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*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
need him
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Lmao the reply
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.