@LizHackett

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

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@hipstermermaid

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

@GingerHotDish

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

@DrakeGatsby

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

@captainkalvis

you, dumb as shit: if I drink bleach it’ll kill me

me, a brain like none other: if i drink bleach, my pee will clean the toilet for me

@AnOrangeSNES

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

@xysist

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man how to fish and he’ll spend his time singing baby shark from the boat.

@Julian_Deane

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

@Nikkeya08

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

@AJ_VanFossen

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

@John_M15

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.