Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
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Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Why am I like this?
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”