I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
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Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
you, dumb as shit: if I drink bleach it’ll kill me
me, a brain like none other: if i drink bleach, my pee will clean the toilet for me
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man how to fish and he’ll spend his time singing baby shark from the boat.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.