Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
You Might Also Like
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Your secret is safeish with me