“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
You Might Also Like
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner