Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
You Might Also Like
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.