two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
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Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
“HELP WITH CAT”
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.