[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
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Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.