“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
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You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]