this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
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*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
secret recipe
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.