My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
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Incredible customer service.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.