Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
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OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Muppet Screams
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*