My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
You Might Also Like
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.