Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
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I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers