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@vikkaroni: "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming."
@Skoogeth: [home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
@SyberStephan: *starts dieting*
friends: you wanna go out and eat?
me: y’all won
@reinert03: Of course Jesus saves. He's Jewish.
@TheAlexP: There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.