@vikkaroni

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

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@TheTweetOfGod

“The Bible” running on the History Channel is like “Dragons” running on Animal Planet.

@Mostly_Cheese

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

@Douchekevin

Wife asked if I was going to take out the trash.

Told her I didn’t know her sister needed a ride home.

I’m bleeding. Call 911

@bgdadyspnkbtm

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

@SteveKoehler22

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

@iBrowniEd

Saw a Justin Bieber CD taped to a wall. You better believe I took it, you never know when you will need a piece of tape.

@chris_isloi

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.