I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I’ve never been there
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
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They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Whenever someone tells me they get a “high” from running, all I’m thinking is, “You’ve obviously never been high before.”
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.