“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

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“The Bible” running on the History Channel is like “Dragons” running on Animal Planet.


“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.


Wife asked if I was going to take out the trash.

Told her I didn’t know her sister needed a ride home.

I’m bleeding. Call 911


I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.


No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.


Saw a Justin Bieber CD taped to a wall. You better believe I took it, you never know when you will need a piece of tape.


So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.