[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
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The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.