there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
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“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
🙀🙀🙀😹
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans