Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
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I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
There is wisdom there.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.