I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
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Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
One great thing about a cartoon avi is that I could be anything. I could be a 90-yo man. I could be a baby. HOW DO YOU KNOW I’M NOT A BABY!
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
“Thanks I feel better.”
ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles.
HER: What position do u play?
ME: I’m a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real cat person.
ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Teacher: What’s ur biggst fear?
Child3: That humanity’s core reaction to misunderstanding is anger
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now