Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
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“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.