@portmanteauface

Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV

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@WheelTod

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

@Deurb1

Why do they play this music on the elevators if we’re not suppose to slow dance:)

@ConanOBrien

One time I wore my brother’s t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween.

@sofarrsogud

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

@arcadeseals

me: [googling] lose weight

google: eat healthy and exercise

me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running

@KrunkedRobot

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

@FINALLEVEL

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

@sarcasticmommy4

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

@Hammyinmiami

My husband is so not into sex. When I wear fishnet stockings he thinks I want to go fishing.