@portmanteauface

Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV

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@notalogin

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

@Jake_Vig

“Do as many squats as you feel like, I don’t want to get involved.”

– impersonal trainer

@ArfMeasures

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

@jackiembouvier

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

@YourDailyGroan

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

@Wordesse

Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.

Me:

Husband:

Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.

@TitaniumToplass

use words like ‘perpendicular’ when you language at people so they think you is good with vocabularying

@Doc_Jyoti

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?