@WheelTod
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
@portmanteauface
Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV
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@WheelTod
@Deurb1
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we’re not suppose to slow dance:)
@ConanOBrien
One time I wore my brother’s t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween.
@sofarrsogud
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
@arcadeseals
me: [googling] lose weight
google: eat healthy and exercise
me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running
@KrunkedRobot
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
@FINALLEVEL
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
@Jake_Vig
The legends speak of a third Duran…
@sarcasticmommy4
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
@Hammyinmiami
My husband is so not into sex. When I wear fishnet stockings he thinks I want to go fishing.