Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV
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“Do as many squats as you feel like, I don’t want to get involved.”
– impersonal trainer
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die
*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
use words like ‘perpendicular’ when you language at people so they think you is good with vocabularying
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?