Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
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Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.