@DothTheDoth

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

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@Sean_Burgundy_

When I’m bored I like to call in sick to places I don’t work for. I’m getting written up at Home Depot

@FurnessGirl

Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.

It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

@TheAlexP

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

@mrjohndarby

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

@bourgeoisalien

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

@KattsDogma

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

@glenc217

If I ever owned a funeral home, I would name it “Remains To Be Seen”.

@JohnLyonTweets

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.