@shutupmikeginn: Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they're each writing Facebook posts about it
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@VerifiedDrunk: A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that's not a sacrifice I'm willing to make for love.
@RowdyBowden: We're gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were "Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!"
@PlainTravis: After about 15 games, I'm starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
@boy_from_school: as a child i thought i'd have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life