Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
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Attention children:
Mom is closed.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now