Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
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Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Leaving the Barbers like
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off