Two submissives sitting in a tree.
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Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.