Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
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My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I feel it
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.