Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
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One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
HR said no more nunchucks.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what