Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns