Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

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date: i really like your shirt

me: thanks [remembers girls like bad boys] i stole it [remembers girls also like nice guys] from an old man i was helping walk across the street


My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”


This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁


If God wanted us to go METRIC Jesus would’ve had 10 disciples not 12.


I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently


I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.


Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!

Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you

Me: He’s murdered 7 people


Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”


He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.


No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.