Two things I will never understand the appeal of:
1) Open relationships
2) Hairless cats

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Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point


Barack: Sign here, and here
Joe: And then the adoption is final & you and Michelle are my parents?
Barack: No, Joe


just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot


boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁


There was a spider in my bathroom so I threw the cat at it. The spider is dead but the cat’s pretty pissed


Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?


Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea


Date: maybe go easy on the salt

*i stand up so i can see over my pile of salt*

Me: but what if there’s a slug in my stomach

Date: *trying* then you’d only need a little

Me: *motioning to the server to bring more salt* what if its a family of slugs