Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
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I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”