@Scdavis24
@TheAlexNevil
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
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@TheAlexNevil
@JillBidenVeep
Barack: Sign here, and here
Joe: And then the adoption is final & you and Michelle are my parents?
Barack: No, Joe
@degg
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
@FU_TangClan
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
@BigBec43
There was a spider in my bathroom so I threw the cat at it. The spider is dead but the cat’s pretty pissed
@noimnotjewish
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
@TheIronSherk
My stages of drunk:
1) onstage
2) backstage
3) hostage
@IvoryGazelle
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
@ashleykiwi26
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
@captainkalvis
Date: maybe go easy on the salt
*i stand up so i can see over my pile of salt*
Me: but what if there’s a slug in my stomach
Date: *trying* then you’d only need a little
Me: *motioning to the server to bring more salt* what if its a family of slugs