@Scdavis24

Two things I will never understand the appeal of:
1) Open relationships
2) Hairless cats

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@Home_Halfway

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

@JoshuaHvr

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

@KKAlThani

*throws a grenade at Bruno Mars’ girlfriend*
*Bruno Mars appears out of nowhere and catches it*
*it explodes and both of them die*

@JohnLyonTweets

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

@beefman138

My Wife wears some very revealing shirts.

Today’s shirt says ‘Nick’s ATM code is 1234’ on it.

@Shenanigans_luv

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

@mackswift

THEY SAID A MASK AND GLOVES WERE ENOUGH TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE

THEY LIED.

EVERYBODY ELSE HAD CLOTHES ON

@mostly_cheese

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

@tsm560

What do people who announce their own birthday on here want from us

@KeithSantagato

#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me