The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Two things I will never understand the appeal of:
1) Open relationships
2) Hairless cats
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Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
*throws a grenade at Bruno Mars’ girlfriend*
*Bruno Mars appears out of nowhere and catches it*
*it explodes and both of them die*
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
My Wife wears some very revealing shirts.
Today’s shirt says ‘Nick’s ATM code is 1234’ on it.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
THEY SAID A MASK AND GLOVES WERE ENOUGH TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE
EVERYBODY ELSE HAD CLOTHES ON
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
What do people who announce their own birthday on here want from us
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me