I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Two things I’m not looking forward to wrangling on this late-night flight: 1. Carry-on. 2. My wayward son.
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You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Coworker: My arms are killing me from hoeing in my garden this weekend.
Me: Thanks but I’d rather not hear about your sex life.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”