Two things I’m not looking forward to wrangling on this late-night flight: 1. Carry-on. 2. My wayward son.

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I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.


You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!


Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.


Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”


The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.


Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.


Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.


FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me


Coworker: My arms are killing me from hoeing in my garden this weekend.

Me: Thanks but I’d rather not hear about your sex life.


[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”