Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
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Proofread twice, hang posters once
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.