Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
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Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*