@matt_travelling

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

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@iGreenMonk

Someone just saw me trying to take a picture of myself and now I have a dead body to bury.

@lorigonzalez28

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

@BoogTweets

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

@SortaBad

When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from ‘balancing on edge of bed’ to ‘snow angel’

@punished_picnic

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

@lazerdoov

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

@Mike_Bianchi

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

@sixfootcandy

Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?

Me: *turns on the blender* What?

Husband: I said…

Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!