Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

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Someone just saw me trying to take a picture of myself and now I have a dead body to bury.


If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.


Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.


DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]


When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from ‘balancing on edge of bed’ to ‘snow angel’


mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon


*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils


Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME


Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?

Me: *turns on the blender* What?

Husband: I said…

Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!