@iancanwrite

Two things:

1: Got burgled this week.

2: A few years ago I told my mum that lol meant lots of love.

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@KattsDogma

A lot of my relatives are afraid of ghosts.
– kin dread spirits

@anerdonfire2

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

@EricMarten

It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.

@Bizarro_Mark

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

@Tmoney68

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

@JustDontBugMe

[Secret Meeting]

God: We need to create something Magical

Angel: Yes, Sir

G: Call it Unicorn

A: *Tries and fails

G: Call it rhinoceros

@mrjumd

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

@markhoppus

SomeBODY once told me
My Whole Foods macaroni
Would be delivered by UPS

@HousewifeOfHell

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.