Two things:

1: Got burgled this week.

2: A few years ago I told my mum that lol meant lots of love.

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A lot of my relatives are afraid of ghosts.
– kin dread spirits


Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.


It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.


If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.


Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.


[Secret Meeting]

God: We need to create something Magical

Angel: Yes, Sir

G: Call it Unicorn

A: *Tries and fails

G: Call it rhinoceros


My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.


SomeBODY once told me
My Whole Foods macaroni
Would be delivered by UPS


Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.


My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.