Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
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I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
My purse is deeper than some people.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.